Friday, September 19 12:00 AM EDT

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
Remember that fake ID you used to have? You may want to find it because the stars are much more favorably aligned for that IDs birthday than for your real one.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
You're probably overdid the hurricane preparation, being that you live in Kansas.

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
The stars indicate that it may be in your best interests to read that memo about the TPS reports before the surprise meeting this afternoon.

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
This week will prove most difficult indeed, when your boss asks you to 'globalize the clicker' so his laptop works better.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
If you didn't get the raise you were expecting, it might be time to consider becoming a Democratic Presidential candidate.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
The stars indicate that your computer is not actually crashing because of a defective fan, but rather is overheating from jealousy over your spending too much time with the DVD player.

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
This week you'll come up with a killer design for your bands uniforms. Black and yellow strypes are back with a vengeance.

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
This week is looking a little blurry in the stars, which may indicate that you should spend less time at the bar or I should clean off my telescope.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
We told you last week that was going to hurt. Now just sit there with your burnt fingers and wonder why we should try to help you this week.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Emphasis is on romance this weekend until an Internet outage brings your world crashing down. Be happy in your memories, any attempts to track down Pseudogirl_145 can only end in disaster.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
The stars aren't pleased with your lobbying effort to change the sign Cancer to Shingles. It'll be a bad week.

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
This week, you'll have a long and stimulating conversation, that chat-bot sure works nicely.