Friday, August 22 12:00 AM EDT

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
Your horoscope looks pretty good today. Seriously, tell Molly Simms we said "Hi."

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
If you try really hard you might be able to convince your mom that the increase in e-mail you've received this week means you're popular. Everyone else knows it's just another Outlook virus.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
Now that summer is in full swing, it's time to lather up in suntan lotion and crack the basement window a smidgen.

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
This Wednesday an exotic stranger will sell you take-away meals you can't pronounce and shortchange you by $10. This Thursday sees much upheaval.

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
This week's alignment of Mars and Uranus means you will not get good parking.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
Last week's horoscopes for Taurus and Scorpio were swapped by mistake. The stars apologize for the inconvenience.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
Turning your underwear inside-out so that you can wear them again only works once between washes, you filthy swine.

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
You realize this week after installing Linux that it doesn't actually solve all your problems, it just makes you read 20,000 man pages before you can even discover where they are.

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
No, a new Radeon card will not improve your "Microsoft Office experience", but you might be able to convince your boss to upgrade you anyway.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
You've finally gotten GAIM to work through the office firewall, now it's time to start working on some friends to add.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
The race may not always go to the swiftest, the battle may not always go to the strongest, but according to the stars you might want to get used to that anyway.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
You'll stop hating your job this week. Unfortunately, you'll also stop breathing at the exact same moment.