Friday, May 9 12:00 AM EDT

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
The National Terror Alert level has reached orange, but at least now the country is getting enough vitamin C.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
From all the talk around the office, it's pretty clear you missed another mind numbing season of American Idol.

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
You'll realize you're addicted to eBay when you end up paying $74.30 for a copy of the Buffy The Vampire Slayer Game Boy game.

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
Burning yourself on the freezer was quite an accomplishment, but nothing compares to what you'll do with a can opener next week.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll discover the unholy trinity of blue screens is comprised of Photoshop, MusicMatch and Quicktime. Beware.

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
That deaf, dumb, and blind kid sure plays a mean pinball, but you can kick his ass in Unreal Tournament 2003, MUWAHAHAHA!!!

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
Trust the stars, your left hand doesn't want to know what your right hand was doing.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'll realize that you've become too immersed in The Matrix after an unsuccessful attempt to graft your ethernet connection onto your brain stem.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
From where you sit you feel like you're on top of the world! Isn't the Mount Everest webcam cool?

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
No time for work this week you'll be too busy representin' the 138 IP address block y'all. Fo' shizzle.

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
Be sure to save those last two vacation days for the premieres of The Matrix Revolutions and The Return of the King. I mean really, the family can do without the long weekend in the country.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
Finding out you were adopted this week gives you a great sense of relief. You knew you couldn't share genetic material with anyone who uses MSN.