Friday, April 11 12:00 AM EDT

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
It may take a few more beers before you can get through those "pockets of resistance."

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
We've got good news and bad news. The bad news is that your job has been outsourced to Bombay. The good news is that there's nothing to prevent you from getting in line for The Return of the King now.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
You'll discover that working through lunch does not qualify you for humanitarian aid.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Seriously, your head is filled with poop.

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
Better lay low for a while. Your fan fiction story based on the cast of Family Matters has made you a target of the FBI Sex Crimes division.

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
The cucumber in the pants trick will not lead to the "shock and awe" reaction your were expecting. Luckily, grandma has been taking her heart medication.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
Helpful Greeting Tip #476: It is not clever to greet your friend by asking "How's your wife and my kids?"

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
A steady diet of fast food lunches has saved you some money. Sadly, only because you lost some spare change in your stomach folds.

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
Toppling a statue of Bill Gates is not as symbolic as the toppling of the statue of Hussein. Especially if you built the Bill Gates statue. Out of rice.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your excuse that you're staying late at the office so you can do office work becomes even less believable when you show up wearing your "I'd rather be fraggin'" T-Shirt.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
A large portion of your week will be spent contemplating why anyone would want a key for Windows 2003 Server.

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
A slip in the bathtub will supply you with the vision to use The Phantom Menace for a DVD powered vacuum.