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New York, NY - In a surprise move Monday, the SEC expelled a total
of 146 reporters from the New York Stock Exchange, when they reported
the exchange's drop back to previous lows, following the early war
rally last week.
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SEC officials cited recent expulsions of reporters from Iraq by the
United States military as precedent. According to this new internal
regulation, all members of the press, from this day forward, will
be required to pass their reports through a strict approval process
before passing them on to the general public.
"Every time a report from the NYSE finds its way to the public,
the wealthiest of investors risk having their trading secrets exploited
on a massive scale by millions of amateur day traders," said
SEC Chairman William H. Donaldson, continuing, "This is clearly
a great threat to any capitalist economy, where only a handful are
truly able to succeed."
SEC Commissioner Harvey J. Goldschmid added, "If this threat
of free information were to continue on unchecked, tens of economic
giants would collapse, leaving only Microsoft to support our great
economy. Needless to say, unemployment would skyrocket, our stockpiles
of mass produced goods would quickly be depleted, and thus we would
no longer be able to maintain general complacency."
Charles Davis, the executive editor of The Freedom of Information
Advocate, strongly opposes the move.
According to Davis, "This effort by the SEC is clearly subversive
to the rights and needs of the American people, attempting to heighten
the economical advantages of the rich by birthright, and completely
put them out of the reach of the general public."
Luckily, the majority of American people will not have to worry
themselves with this information, as Fox News has declined to report
it. This, according to a written statement, is because it may cause
broad civil unrest, and result in this Bush administration's approval
rating to drop.
At this news, Charles Davis cried out, "This is absurd, there's
nothing at stake here but our rights. The people have a right to
know, and the press has an obligation to cater to those rights. The
SEC is way out of line here, this isn't a battlefield!"
In direct response to Davis' objections, Chairman Donaldson replied, "Have
you seen the pit recently? It's all-out war down there!"
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