Friday, January 17 12:00 AM EDT

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
You have a dream. A dream that one day all browsers will be created equal. Until then you'll keep using Mozilla.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll discover that thermal paste doesn't taste half bad, which is a good thing because you just blew your whole paycheck on a new motherboard, CPU and video card.

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
Your ego takes a major blow this week when you discover that your grandmother has more warez than you do.

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
The sun is shining. The birds are singing. There's not a cloud in the sky. Ironic that you've just dropped a vial of the ebola virus and you decided not to wear your protective suit today.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
Your employer could only afford $100,000 in bonuses this year. Unless you're the CEO I'd make some room in the closet for another company T-shirt.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Don't fear the reaper. Fear that thing he uses to chop off your head.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
It's "Rules were meant to be broken." Not "Schools were meant to be broken into." You'll have a few years with Bubba to get it straight.

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
If you think going back to college is scary, you should try bungee jumping naked into a pit of molten lava.

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
You and a busload full of screaming kids will realize how important it is to have your brakes checked periodically.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll finally break Han Solo's record this week when you do the Kessel Run in under 11 parsecs. Whatever the hell that means.

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
Five years and $20,000 later you've finally hacked together the perfect entertainment system. Much to your chagrin you'll discover the same thing down at Circuit City for $495.

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
Hypnotic embraces of embedding ubiquity shall transcend upon you. Good luck with THAT.