Friday, December 6 12:00 AM EDT

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
Even though you have lost your phone privileges at work, don't despair, the NSA will still be able to track your brain waves.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
The stress of waiting for your Fellowship of the Rings: Extended Edition DVDs to arrive will worsen, when you realize you don't have a DVD player or a TV.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
Those 3 new computers in your office don't mean you're gonna get more toys to play with. It means they're gonna cram 3 more people into your cubicle with you.

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
Don't sign up for Secret Santa at your office this year, because all you're gonna get is an old pair of mittens and a can of spam.

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
The stars didn't have time for your horoscopes this week. They have been spending too much time play GTA: Vice City.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
Freezing temperatures outside can mean only one thing. Time to move your computer outside so you can squeeze a few more clock cycles out of it.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
The mod that allows you to be a UN Weapons Inspector in Unreal Tournament will be fun for a while, but you'll grow tired of getting blown up.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
The similarities found in human and mice genes will make you feel less self-conscious about your tail.

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
You'll realize how much of a geek you are when you calculate whether the mess on your desk is growing at a rate consistent with Moore's Law.

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
Either the stress of quitting your job is causing hallucinations or everyone has turned into blue monkeys.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
The last time your outlook was this bad CNN had to create a new graphic.

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
Don't be so upset that The Two Towers trailer revealed that Gandalf didn't die in the first movie. Everyone either knew this before the trailer came out, or forgot that Gandalf died anyway. It's time to move on.