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Sunnyvale, CA - Fred Munk yesterday lost his job for excessive perl programming. Munk was hired for categorization and review of links to pornographic websites for Yahoo's Erotica department. He allegedly spent more time programming perl-scripts than looking for porn.
"He was fired for gross laziness" reports Diane Vice, Yahoo's Director of Consumer Porn. "I mean, it's okay to use company resources for fun stuff for fifteen minutes after lunch, to stimulate digestion by whipping up some nifty regular expression or obfuscating the break-condition in a for-loop, but this Munk-guy has a serious productivity problem. I told him get some professional help, but Fred didn't listen and continued to churn out code during work hours -- compulsively, obsessively, just sick!"
Munk responded, "I'd be pounding out some hot code and then the boss would come by and I'd have to quickly switch to Jenna Jameson taking it from behind. I needed quick fingers, but I wasn't quick enough. She kept catching me with Emacs open."
Munk contends that his programming was for the good of Yahoo, and that surfing porn was a "snoozefest. The first hacker's rule is: Don't waste your time with boring stuff. And what's more depressing and pathetic than browsing through tits, legs, twats and kink all day? Nothing gets me more excited than shooting out lines of code."
Vice suggested Munk spend less time coding back ends and more time looking at them several times during his tenure. "He wouldn't listen. Finally, I had security check his hard drive and there were megs upon megs of perl code - search functions, text parsers, it was sickening. That was the last straw, we don't need perl divers in the Erotica category we need muff divers. Adios Mr. Munk."
Yahoo's employee counselor noticed such coding is a common problem among Yahoo editors; the porn-department in particular is seeing a lot of clandestine programming. "People are becoming distracted from their work by all the open source crap on the web. The number of mods has been exploding, and those unscrupulous zealots are promoting their hacks aggressively. Sometimes a typo is enough to get you hooked -- if you want to check on the latest kink on regsex.com, for example, and forget the 's', you end up at regex.com, and banner-ads for all sorts of geeky stuff jump right into your face -- I mean, what's a young dude supposed to do?"
When confronted with this statement, Vice promised to set up an encounter-group and mailing list for employees affected by compulsive/obsessive programming-disorder. "I want our employees to have a place to turn to whenever they feel the urge to start vi or emacs. This is simple, and it worked out pretty well for A.A. We are a first-class employer who cares for our staff."
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