Friday, October 25 12:00 AM EDT

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
If cleanliness is next to godliness then your desk must be an atheist.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
You should know better than to trust those phony "stock tip" e-mails. The real money is in BBSPT. Buy today.

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your new L33t children's sing-along-album will top the charts this week with the title track "Jimmy Cracked Corn.com and I don't care."

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
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Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
There's a new virus afoot in the online world called the "Gullibility Virus". But the virus won't infect you if your outbox contains a message to everyone in your address book saying "I AM NOT GULLIBLE." Pass it on.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
Despite your dramatic speeches your Linux Users Group will not support your planned attack on Microsoft headquarters.

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
Prepare for the beating of your life when you suggest on the W3 forums your idea for "VBHTML."

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
After a year of searching for a publisher you finally give up the dream of seeing your book: "I Survived 9/11 by Watching it on TV" in print.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
You should not believe everything you see in movies. The five hours you will spend stuck in the A/C vent will give you time to reflect upon that.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
You'll spend the next week on a detailed 3D map of wireless Ethernet reception in your house. Unfortunately your spouse doesn't appreciate your effort and just wanted to know if the laptop would work in the den.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Finding your mouse impaled upon a stick will be the first warning. You should quit your job while you're still alive. And have a nice mouse-kabob, too.

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
Time may heal all wounds, but I can tell you that your hard drive is STILL toast.