Monday, August 5 12:01 AM EST

Overclocked House Needs Extreme Cooling

Owensboro, KY - An enterprising young man has managed to run his appliances faster by overclocking the electrical system in his house. Toast gets done faster, beverages get colder and clothes spin dry at the speed of light, well, almost.

Lance Hatler, was irritated with the "measly 60 Hz" that the electric company fed into his house and decided he could do better. "I thought my overclocked computer system is pretty sweet. Why can't I apply the same principle to my house? I mean besides the fire code," questioned Hatler.

After several trips to the emergency room for massive electric shocks, Hatler's house now runs at a blazing fast 900 MHz. Attempts to run the house even faster caused a bit of structural instability and a few minor fires. “My heart stopped one time, but the thought of shredding two by fours in my garbage disposal got the blood pumping again,” Hatler recounted.

Hatler believes that keeping America on a 60 Hz standard is part of a conspiracy by electricity producers. “The electric company is trying to keep us in the dark ages,” said Hatler. “They’ve been stuck at 60 Hz since I was born. Moore’s law has to take effect some time doesn’t it? I heard about one guy who made a generator that pumps out electricity at 2 GHz, but the major electric conglomerates bought him out to keep us going slow.”

At 900 MHz, the large amount of excess heat generated by this procedure required Hatler to build a giant heat sink and fan combination which he mounted to his roof. It required some structural reinforcement to bear the load, but now Hatler’s home remains a constant, cool 115 degrees summer and winter.

Neighbors have complained about the hurricane-like sounds emanating from his property and the local airport has had to reroute traffic around the airspace above Hatler's home as tremendous wind currents and strange thermal patterns have wreaked havoc on navigation, but other than that the procedure has been trouble-free.

Next on the agenda for Hatler is adding water cooling so he can safely break the 1 GHz barrier. “There's always a network of pipes around the house. I just have to add more tubes," said Hatler. "I just wish I could find a place that would sell thermal compound in 55 gallon drums."

Friends don’t understand Hatler’s obsession with overclocking, but do enjoy some of the benefits. “Microwave popcorn takes like 5 seconds and I’ve gotten used to the beersicles,” said long time friend Greg Denson. “He has an electric water heater so you want to be careful taking a shower so you don’t scald your skin off.”

At the time of this report Hatler was under investigation by the FAA, Twin Hills Homeowner’s Association, and the Association to Stop Giant Fan Generated Tornadoes.

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