Friday, August 30 12:00 AM EDT

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will realize how low you've let your social life slip when the biggest decision you have to make on Friday night is whether to download ISOs or compile your kernel.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
Maybe the guys at the computer club were kidding when they said all the cool geeks got copper plating on their two front teeth.

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your boss will become suspicious at your attempts to get more paid holidays when you claim 4 different religions and 6 different nationalities in a span of two weeks.

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
It may be a dog-eat-dog world, but let's face it -- you're like one of those annoying barking dogs suitable for punting surrounded by German Shepherds.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your new "dream apartment " is no such thing, and no wonder it was so cheap. You won't have cat-5 in every room. You'll find 5 cats in every room.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
This week the world will spin around you. Perhaps you should quit drinking so much.

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
Maybe debugging perl code wasn't the best career choice with your severe dyslexia and your phobia of curly braces.

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will see all your problems disappear this week. And then you'll wake up.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
Good News: You've solved the mouse problem in your cubicle. Bad News: The electrified chicken wire has killed two of your co-workers.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
You will find comfort and strength in those who care about you. Unfortunately, you'll have trouble finding those who care about you.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
You will learn what a flash presentation is 5 minutes before the meeting. Better find something to wear under that trenchcoat.

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
Your suggestion for the new company motto will be quickly dismissed. It may be distributed Java applications you're making, but it's very disgusting to hear "There's no I in Socket."