Tuesday, July 23 12:01 AM EST

Jobs Unveils iTIPS Program for Reporting OS9 Users

New York, NY - Steve Jobs announced many new products last week during his keynote address at MacWorld New York, but one new service by Apple which didn't get mentioned may be the most important. Lost in all the announcements of new iPods and iMacs, was the new iTIPS Hotline for reporting users of OS 9.

"We need to crack down on these slackers who aren't moving to OS X," said Jobs. "If a friend or loved one is still using OS 9 please call 1-900-UPGRADE-ALREADY. The call only costs $9.99 per minute. Isn't it worth any cost to make sure your friends and relatives have the best computing experience possible?"

After an incident is reported Apple dispatches a black turtleneck-clad band of Upgrade Artists, armed only with an inflated sense of position in the computer world. "After we shame them by telling them how uncool they are to be using OS 9 the conversion is pretty easy," said Upgrade Artist Geoffrey Sinclair. "I mean, everybody knows the letter X is a lot cooler than the number 9. What sort of loser wouldn't want to upgrade just for that reason?"

"It was like the French Gestapo," one convert related. "They came in, shamed me, and proceeded to install a demo version of OS X on my iMac. Unfortunately, they erased all my data and left me with a semi-functional operating system. I tried installing OS 9 again, but it was impossible. I'll have to go out and buy OS X. Stupid demos."

Stubborn OS 9 users have already formed resistance groups. They have been spraypainting messages like "9 RULES" and "NO X, YES 9" around Circuit City, and thrashing OS X distribution vans.

Apple responded to criticism by saying it was waiving the upgrade fee for customers who already paid for their upgrade previously.

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