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Redmond, WA -- Microsoft announced that it will complete construction
of its newest Death Star by mid October, in a press conference given
Wednesday.
 With
all of humanity likely to crumple beneath the iron grip of Microsoft
come October, widespread panic has ensued. More than 30 rebellion
uprisings have taken place only to meet with failure at the hands
of Microsoft's superior fleet.
"This is necessary for Earth's survival," said Bill Gates,
chair and founder of Microsoft, speaking from his luxury box above
the slave arena.
The death star, the most powerful weapon in the universe, will give
Microsoft unbridled power in the realm of world domination.
Gates said he plans on using the death star to destroy the moon,
and cease all tidal activity on Earth in an awesome display of the
power Microsoft Windows XP SP1.
"Darkness will reign eternal," said Gates. "Society
will once again know the power of the left hand of Microsoft and
will tremble at the right."
Society is not pleased.
"This is the second time Microsoft has been up to no good," said
Deena Williams, 17 of Massapequa, NY. "Do they think we've forgotten
about their 'giant ray gun of peace and justice?'
Chicago resident James Fargo, 62, says that he suspects that the
death star may not be all that Gates promises.
"I suspected something was wrong with those new rules about
giving up your first born son," said Fargo.
"Something tells me that a giant weapon larger than Earth hovering
above San Francisco can't be as good as they say it will be."
Microsoft insists it is. The death star will provide for the quick
and economical usurpation of all world power, according to Steve
Ballmer, CEO.
"I don't see how that could be even remotely bad for us," said
Balmer.
Microsoft shares were up on the news.
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