Friday, April 4 12:00 AM EDT

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
News that Morpheus has violated their privacy policy will seem insignificant, until Ron Jeremy shows up at your workplace trying to sell you some vibrators.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
Save your work, and THEN close the window. This should help improve your productivity.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Your plans for a clone army will come crashing down this week when Wil Wheaton refuses to give you a DNA sample.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
You will finally get an office with a window. Well, it's actually a broom closet with a hole in the wall, but at least you get a new stapler.

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
Apparently the Wizard of Yendor doesn't care that you spent big money on a new 2.4 GHz Pentium 4 system. He's still keeping his amulet.

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will find something red inside the donut you eat this week, and it's definitely not jelly.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
You still can't figure out if your fellow church members appreciate Easter more than April Fool's day, or if going to mass as the Zombie Jesus was just a bad idea.

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
This horoscope has performed an illegal operation an must be closed.

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
Submitting your boss's photo to Fark for a photochop contest seemed like such a good idea, until you get called into his office and notice the "France Surrenders" plaque on his wall.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
It's called a pencil, and I'm sure you can still use it. Do not be afraid.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
Patience is a virtue. Especially when downloading movies on a 56K connection.

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
Your boss' name might be Monty, but it's not likely you'll make any deals for a bonus check by dressing up like a mime, clown, alien, or cowboy.