Monday, February 25 12:01 AM EST

Virus Alert: Eternal Damnation

Anti-virus researchers have issued a warning against a new virus which they have dubbed "Eternal Damnation." This worm, based almost entirely on Sircam, contains messages similar to those of its predecessor. These messages include "Hey! I has a great deal for you" and "Here is the link you ask from me." The most common message, with a 55% chance of being used, is "Now you be just like Larry Ellison."

The attachment is a modified version of Sircam, which, after sending itself to all the user's contacts, opens the default browser to "www.sell-your-soul.com" and, using private information found on the user's machine, automatically sells their soul to Satan, with a legally binding virtual contract. The user may then be redirected to either one of 5 random porn sites, or to the "So you've just sold your soul to Satan" homepage.

When questioned about this virus, Satan replied, "I have nothing to do with this. I set up that web site to make things easier for people who wished to sell their soul to me, but apparently some idiot is trying to make me look bad. Oh, well, whenever that person dies and comes to hell, I'll have a word with them. I'll give them a fit torture for the rest of eternity. I'm thinking the Ever-Crashing Server or the 300 bps AOL connection."

Satan has offered to look into the list of people who have been unwillingly registered. "Unfortunately, I can't promise anything," said the Prince of Darkness. "Some of the people who have sold their soul to me in the past are now trying to get out of it by saying they were victims of this new virus. I have to do a deep background check. I mean, I even got Carrot Top trying to say he was accidentally registered by the virus. Yeah, right!"

There are a few flaws in the virus, though. The user must be connected to the Internet when the attachment is opened, and must have port 666 enabled.

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