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New York - Humans were overjoyed yesterday by a report which stated
that several species of primates are nearing extinction. The
report suggests that the United Nations' Operation Ape Stomp
has been a success.
 Operation Ape Stomp started several years ago after Colonel George
Taylor returned from the future to tell of a world that was dominated
by apes, a veritable planet of the apes.
UN Secretary General Kofi Annan said today, "Many years ago
the brave Colonel Taylor told us of the dangers that lie ahead from
the apes who speak without moving their lips. The human species
listened and took action. Today we see the fruits of our labors. Let
this not lull us into a sense of security. We must not stop
until all the apes are gone!"
"I was cheered by most of the data," said Colonel Taylor, "The
Cross River Gorilla and the Mountain Gorilla populations are extremely
low. However, there are still 96,000 Eastern Chimpanzees left.
We must work harder to exterminate these stinkin' apes."
Recent efforts by corporations such as McDonald's who introduced
the McMonkey burger last fall have been credited with much of the
program's success. "Nothing makes people want to go monkey
killing more then the smell of a grilling McMonkey burger," said
McDonald's employee Brent Steffes. "It takes all I have,
to keep from running out and clubbin' a gorilla when I'm behind that
grill."
Other efforts such as Banana Republic's line of chimpanzee head
purses have meet with less success. "It's a little creepy
to have the eyes staring out at you," said purse owner Margaret
Black, "but I wanted to do what I could to support the effort.
To find out more about how you can help Operation Ape Stomp please
call 1-877-APE-STOMP.
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